Friday, 28 October 2011

I have the unique ability to look terrible and yet somehow way better in all old pictures...

...tweeted by @thesulk the other day. And it's so true!

So i turned 27 recently which made me think i need to change my relentless partying and stop dressing like an ice cream van (-->  loud colours, shiny things and more acid wash you could throw a Dolly Cool Kid at).

I failed miserably on the former, but the latter is going swimmingly. I threw away the majority of my wardrobe and shoes (I considered giving it to charity but I wouldn’t want to do this to anyone. Anyone!)

Then, I did the unthinkable. I invested in heels.

I’m really tall (as the vertically challenged and complete strangers in Sainsbury’s like to remind me, lest I forget) so I have always lived in Cons and other misc flats. Plus the thought of adding another 6in to my 5’10” just seemed absurd at the time.

Anywho, the deed was done, heels pur-chased, and as a matter of fact, standing before a mirror in killer heels does actually make you look a bit hot. Then there’s the small problem of actually having to walk. This makes you look a bit rickety and definitely not hot. Think baby giraffe on ice (and maybe also on ket) - not a good look.

Anywho I remembered someone (who exactly escapes me, either Tyra Banks or RuPaul) saying you need to ‘werk’ it cos it makes walking easier and distracts from the vertigo up here. So I went and downloaded the appropriate sound and have been strutting around town graciously ever after (or until my ipod dies). Here’s my ‘heels for beginners’ soundtrack*

1. Beyoncé – Sweet Dreams (strut)**

2. Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs – Garden (at-pace strut)

3. Devo – Whip it (really-late-for-work strut)

4. She keeps Bees – Release (walk-of-shame strut)

5. Gang of Four – Damaged Goods (running-from-stabby-crackheads strut)

*this list is not exclusive
**This track can be substituted for anything Beyoncé. Her reason raison d'être is to produce music to strut to. Fact.

I’m wearing heels out tonight. Apparently on being asked whether ‘the weather is nice up there’ one is to respond with a ‘yes’, gobbing on them and asking if its raining down there.

I might make this my new thing.